Kindergarten Basketball, now THERE’S a sport that needs to be televised. The only similarity between kindergarten basketball and the organized events you pay top dollar for is the ball. It is usually a basketball. Not always. Sometimes it is a soccer ball. Or one of those awesome red playground balls. If it is round, it can, and has been, used to play Kindergarten Basketball.
This is how Kindergarten Basketball is played:
First you take the ball. It doesn’t matter if someone else already has it, you take it. You may have to pry it from their nasty stubborn fingers and brace yourself for the ensuing shrieking, but DO IT! Then run! Run! Run! Run! Do not bounce the ball, because you have no way to control it once it leaves your hands, thereby opening it up to be stolen from you.
Run faster! Run onto the field of grass and head to the back fence with your ill-gotten gains. Basket? Who the hell needs a basket? You need a goddamn ATV to stay ahead of those little bastards chasing you. But all good things must come to an end, and that asshole 2nd grader has just wrested the ball from your grasp and that S.O.B. can RUN! Chase him. Claw at his clothing if you can get close enough. Remember, this is now football and that means landing in the muddy grass and rolling around, getting as filthy as possible. It is also important to take as many down with as you can. Someone is bound to get hurt, just make sure it isn’t you.
Rise up and as soon as you spot the ball (being bounced by that foolish 2nd grade thief), run up to him and take the ball back. Someone is yelling at you to throw the ball at the basket, but you know better, because the minute you do that, they will have it and you will not.
Run! Run fast! Go back out to that verdant field; circle the swings and the monkey bars, yelling at the top of your lungs the whole way. If you get tired, find the nearest adult and tattle. On someone, it doesn’t matter who, just talk long enough to rest up, then take off again. Don’t forget the ball.
Aim for the largest group of kids not chasing you and plow right through the thick of them. Be sure to transfer as much mud from you onto them as possible. That is why it is best to run through that thicket of gross girls. They will scatter and trip up that mob following you.
Circle around and approach the basket. No one is there, now is your chance. Throw the ball. If it makes it into the hoop, you are the Champion of the World. If it doesn’t go in, blame someone. If they take the ball and try to make a basket and become champion of the world, kick them in the shin, steal the ball, and start the game all over again.