Thursday, October 3, 2013

Day 3 NaBloWriMo

My phone is an asshole. Let me clarify, my CELL phone is an asshole. I really wish I’d known that before I settled on it. Actually, it behaved itself fairly well at first, doing only a few things that caused me great embarrassment and grief.

Don’t get me started on autocorrect. Just… don’t.  

Anyway, there are settings on my phone that seem to change with the seasons, and the seasons appear to be the following: Fuck you; Screw you; Go to hell; Bite me bitch; Die! Die! Die!; What? WHAT?!? NO!!!; Abso-fucking-lutely not you insufferable cow; and my personal favorite, You must be joking.

I know that is a year with more than four seasons. My phone doesn’t give a shit about traditional seasons or continuity. It hates me and everything. Every-thing.

For instance, I made the grievous error in judgment and loaded Skype onto my phone. Now, first, I’d like to say that I do enjoy using Skype on my computer. It allows me to see my darling while we’re living three hours apart. I love it. She even shows me her… embroidery. Yeah, her embroidery. Really. She’s quite good at it. Embroidery, I mean. We have no problems with Skype on the computers, with the exception of some strange echoing feedback that drives us (and my bird) nuts.

Anyway, the problems with loading Skype onto my phone are many, the main one being my inability to log on. Tam can’t even load it onto her computer, and the damn thing insists that I choose whether I want to use Skype or just make a phone call, even when I’m just making a fucking phone call. While this isn’t much of a problem normally, when I’m using the hands-free-while-driving thingy, I must pick up my phone and make the selection, thereby rendering the hands-free thing moot. But it never came right out and said that, it just pretended to call, but didn’t put the call through, it just left me hanging.

I really wanted to shoot my phone. So, now I must try and figure out how to get Skype the hell off my phone forever, and in the process, I really hope I hurt its feelings.

Then there are the “notification” sounds I’m supposed to get when I receive texts or PM’s on farcebook. I have missed several texts because my phone has chosen that moment to stop speaking to me. However, it loves to wait until around two in the morning to tell me I have a message. That gives the old heart a start, believe me, and adrenaline is not a good sleep aid. But my biggest issue wasn’t that I got a message that late and it finally decided to speak up and let me know at 2 a.m., but THERE WERE NO MESSAGES TO TELL ME ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Seriously, nothing was there. I even looked again when I dragged my sleep deprived carcass out of bed later that morning. No one texted me or sent me a message. It was just my phone making sure that I do not get a good night’s sleep, even when I’m not jumping up every two hours to pee.

I am seriously considering going back to the old style phone that doesn’t have all those “wonderful” bells and whistles. Something that makes phone calls, takes decent pictures, and will allow me to text friends and family… No more internet, no more stupid ass noises in the middle of the night made by a lying phone with nothing better to do than fuck with my circadian rhythms.

And I’m going to get a battery operated alarm clock so I don’t have to have my phone near my bed at night, because REAL alarm clocks tend to mind their manners.


  1. Nasty Nasty Phone of Doom!

  2. Don't forget when your phone told me to die when I asked if you could take a picture of the hat for me. I thought that was a little strong personally.


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