The other day I decided to take Zoe for a wander through the house. She’s a very nosy and noisy bird and will squawk until she’s given the royal tour. Crash and Burn are still quite curious about our newest housemate and will gaze with longing upon her, and when we let her out to sit on the perch that’s on top of the cage, they tend to wear their eyeballs out staring.
I figured it might be time for an introduction.
It happened rather serendipitously one day when I was taking Zoe for her stroll. Both cats had positioned themselves on either side of the walkway and were waiting patiently for our approach. Deciding to quell their curiosity in a somewhat controlled situation, I began making introductions. The Result follows.
Me: Would you like to meet birdy? Zoe, this is Crash. Crash, this is Zoe.
Crash: oooh, yum! I mean, hello there, sweet morsel of OHMYGAWD! DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE JUST DID? OH! OH! THAT BIRD JUST BOOPED MY NOSE! BOOPED! MY! NOSE!
Me: How sweet, she just gave you a kiss on the nose.
Crash: oh no she di’in’t! She BOOPED my nose, bitch. Get that feathered menace away from me! Oh, sweet Bast! Is my nose still there? I must…run awaaaaaay!
Me: Well birdy, you sure scared Miss Crash. Well, Burn, it looks like it’s your turn. Would you like to meet the nice little bir—
Burn: No! No, I’m good, thanks. Really. I’m kind of busy at the moment, see I need to leave right now and clean my bottom, because I think I just soiled myself. That bird just booped Crash’s nose. Not good, not good at all. I should help her look for her nose.
In the bathroom, we found ANOTHER DAMN BIRD! One that needed to be put directly in its place immediately, if not sooner! We threatened, hissed, and booped its nose, but it refused to leave. Mind you, it happens to be an extraordinarily attractive bird, but competition of that caliber is just too much. Too much.
I wiped the bird stuff off the mirror and we left.
We walked into the kitchen to introduce ourselves to the kitchen goddess, even though Tam knows perfectly well who we are. However, it was not a good idea on my part because the presence of a bird in the kitchen made the resident goddess come a bit unhinged.
Tam: Ack! There’s a bird in my kitchen! I do not need birds in the kitchen.
Me: She’s fine. Look, she’s just sitting on my finger.
Tam: (shaking a soapy, dishwater hand at Zoe) No flying in the kitchen! She’s going to fly! Look at her, she’s going to fly. I do not want her flying in the kitchen. If she does, YOU’RE going to have to wash…EVERYTHING! Every single thing. Besides, she might boop my nose, and it would take me forever to find it in here.
Me: Come on, Zoe, let’s go. And you thought that bird in the bathroom was scary. Sheesh.
I’ve decided to not introduce her to Frog Woggins. He is already traumatized by living in a cage next door to the screeching menace, a face-to-face meeting would probably be too much. Besides, I don’t think you can boop a frog’s nose, can you?