Karen and the Bone Folder

Welcome to 2012. Here, have a rant.

It started with a typical trip to the local “almost everything you’ll ever need” store: Grab a few groceries, take a tour of housewares to drool over new cookware, and then check out the craft supplies.

Why? Because I’m a glutton for punishment, and because, well… craft supplies! Hello! Paper, punches, paints, colored pencils, all the things that make me think I can actually create something good out of simple things.

I do love me some craft supplies, but I must confess that I am a purist at heart, which is why our trip to the store didn’t exactly end on a note of awesomeness.

Not. Even. Close.

My craft tools are just that, tools. They are not showpieces, they are not display items, they are tools. Which is why, when I saw the Martha “if I can’t do it better, I’ll color it pink and stick sparklies on it” Stewart craft supplies, I kind of lost my shit.

It was a paper-crafting tool made of light pink plastic with a darker pink design printed on it and embellished with little plastic “jewels” stuck to the handle. The package said it was a “bone folder.” “What?” I said in my best snarky voice, “This is NOT a ‘bone’ folder because it is not made of bone. She can call it a ‘paper folder’, or a ‘tacky plastic doo-dad folder’ but it isn’t a ‘bone’ folder. I have a ‘bone’ folder. It is made of bone, NOT plastic. It is off-white in color. Probably not politically correct, but it IS made of bone. I love it because it is smooth and has a nice feel to it. It does not need a special handle any more than it needs to be pink and sparkly.”

There is not a single sparkly thing to be found on my bone folder, unless I’ve been playing in glitter and that’s different because then EVERYTHING is sparkly and bright.

As I continued to look at the myriad of items with her name on them, I noticed they were all glammed up, as though pink and rhinestones would make it worth the extra bucks you must to pay just to have her sparkly pink crap with her name on it in your tool kit. It was bad enough when she left the kitchen and got into linens and shit, but now she’s moving into the craft section. She’s tainting everything and it’s pissing me off.

I feel that she’s trying to suck the fun out of crafting because if it isn’t glamorous, it can’t be fun. Well, I am far from glam, yet I still have fun while I’m crafting, so there!

I’ll beg the Universe to keep that bitch out of the hardware department, because if I find one hammer with sequins on it, I’ll probably hop in my Prius, hunt that insufferable wretch down and shove that glittery pink hammer up her arse.