Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Miss Bit’s Quest

Miss Bit is our house panther. She is the eldest of our three kitties. She does not suffer fools lightly. Same with dogs. And pretty much any other living being within her domain. Her days are easy and her worries few.

Until that one time…

Miss Bit: Huh! I sense a problem. The magic square has failed to produce heat. I must notify the staff.
Tammie: Oh, jeeze Bit! Ow! You have pointy feet. Where are you going?
Miss Bit: Your words mean nothing. I must speak with my staff. This table is extra tippy and now I have hot stinky bean juice on my feet. Fortunately, staff is right here. I shall inform them.
Me: Hey! Your feet are pointy and wet. You spilled my coffee, you brat. Oof, get off of me.
M.B.: Staff! Fix the problem! I shall return to the magic square and await your arrival. Oh no! Floor is lava, I must retrace my steps.
Me: Again? What are you doing?
M.B.: Once more I have the bean juice on my feet? Staff should fix this table.
Tammie: Did you just wipe your pointy feet on my shirt?
M.B.: I hear nothing. Now, I shall await staff.
Me (continuing to watch the television) …
M.B.: …    … Oh, for Bast’s sake. Staff! STAFF! Dammit.
Tammie: What now?
M.B.: Lalalalala… It’s the tippy table and bean juice. This must be repaired immediately. I shall inform staff again.
Me: Aaah! Get off me, you pointy-toed monster.
M.B.: Staff. The magic square is dead. You must come NOW. Also, fix that table. And the floor is still lava. Now, I will return to the square and await you again. Oh, bean juice!
Tammie: Stop spilling my coffee, cat. Oof!
M.B.: I weep for my magic blue square. Your words do not comfort me.
Me (still watching the tube): …
M.B.: What did I ever do to deserve the likes of you, hmmm? Did I accidently murder the mother of moths? Fine. I shall once again attempt to roust staff.
Tammie: No! Stop it! You’re spilling the coffee again!
M.B.: If I leave some of my fur in your hot bean juice, will that silence you? Here!
Tammie: Noo!!
Me: CAT! Go pester elsewhere.
M.B.: My feet are dry once again, staff, thank you. However, the magic blue thing is still cold. I will meet you at the square. Make haste! You’d better follow me, the floor is still lava. Watch this table. It will splash bean juice on your feet. Also, put some fur in the hot bean juice in the cup it holds. I think it believes it deserves an offering.
Tammie: I JUST got that last cat hair out of my coffee, and here you go again. What is your… oh, wait…I washed the cover for the heating pad. I’ll be right back.
M.B.: The floor is… never mind.

Moments later, Tammie returned with the clean blue cover and the heating pad was once again ready for use.
Tammie: There. Are you happy now?
M.B.: What is this? You also have THE SKILL? You may be staff.
Me: See? She likes you.

A few months later…

Miss Bit: It is time for a nap. The magic blue square must be activated! Staff. Staff! STAFF! Oh, fine. But don’t think that because you have changed where you recline that I cannot reach you, despite the floor continuing to be lava. I shall take the long trail, across the wide seat, this small, but well-placed bird-watching table, then past the strange window you stare at…ooh, is that warm? Hmmm, I shall stand here a moment and ponder.
Me: Bit! Get down! You’re blocking the TV.
M.B.: This is nice, but it is not the magic blue square. I shall continue my quest for staff. This wide window sill is fine for some cats to sit on, but for now, I shall only traverse its length in order to reach the new place where staff hides. Now, we’ve reached the tricky part.
Me: Oh, look out! You’re gonna dump that box right off that chair. Get off of it, it wasn’t meant for climbing, you nitwit.
M.B. Staff calls encouragement to me. That is a good sign. Perhaps this time staff will hasten to do my bidding, unlike last time. The plateau of mess must be crossed with caution or falling debris can cause me to touch the lava floor.
Me: Kitty! Nooo! You’re knocking the mail off my table! Don’t step there, watch out for the remote! Not my coffee! Do NOT step in my coffee!
M.B.: Staff. The magic blue square gives off no heat… Follow me! Careful, the plateau of mess is tricky. From here, you must climb the chair that moved from the dining room and then walk across the sill.
Me: Dammit, kitty!
M.B.: Don’t let the giant warm window distract you, you still have a ways to go. Ah, here we are…Where are you? Why are you still way over there? Do you not understand the urgency? I am middle aged, but I can still make the long journey. I don’t know what your problem is. I will show you.
Me: Oh, not this again. What do you want? Here, have a butt scritch.
M.B.: Staff! Well, all right, this is not bad, and I suppose I can return the favor.
Me: Ow! Ow! Ow! Do NOT dig your claws into me.
M.B.: It is time to go. You must journey to the magic blue square!
Me: Stop walking across the mail! Get away from my coffee!
M.B.: Bean juice! Staff still does not follow. The magic blue square is dead to me.

It only took three trips across the wilds for me to remember to turn on the heating pad. I’m gonna need new slippers, though. That floor was hot.

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