Monday, August 3, 2015


The other evening, we were hanging out at home doing important things like goofing off on the computers. It was just the six of us: Tam, me, and the three stooges (Freya Fish Whore, Thud the Wonder Lump, Meow, and Shrieking Chaos (the bird, not a stooge)).

It was quiet and we were all doing our own things. Tam was playing a game, I was editing my novel, and the cats were high as hell on a spilled bag of catnip. In fact, the cats were stoned to the point of seeing tracers of air molecules, and had finally settled down to watch the show.

It was quiet. It was calm…

Until a moth flew into my face, then spun around and attempted to go spelunking in my nasal passages. I forced its exit with loud noises and waving my arms.

Shrieking Chaos split the air with her special alarm and the cats went into action.

Freya Fish Whore and Thud the Wonder Lump attempted to perform the “elevate 10 feet off the floor and extended every piece of fur to the fullest” maneuver. This would have been quite spectacular, except Thud the Wonder Lump was under the rocking chair, and Freya Fish Whore had been chillin’ in the cat cave, an upside-down box we acquired from the lovely folks at Costco. The rocking chair moved a few inches, and the box was lifted to a respectable height. Meow, while not quite so acrobatic, utilized her claws effectively on Tam’s body while opening her eyes to the size of dinner plates.

Tam staunched the bleeding on her arm while we both laughed rudely at their antics.

Freya Fish Whore was the first to recover and demand answers. “ACK! What? What? You see monster? What monster? Where monster?” she asked from deep inside the box that was now full of fur. “It must be huge for you to make such a noise. Why you not run away?”

“It was a moth, and I don’t need to run because it is all gone. It flew over there.”

“Moth. Moth. Moth,” Thud muttered. I think his ears were still ringing from the bonk he acquired when he attempted 10 foot leap while under the rocking chair.

“I SEE IT!” Meow said. “I see ALL of them! Wow, they’re SO PRETTY! LOOK! PRETTY! I’m going to chase them.” Unfortunately she missed her agility roll and took a bit of a detour to the floor next to the chair. “I’m all right,” she said, her voice muffled by the bag that caught her. “Oh, hey, nap time.”

Thud the Wonder Lump slowly crept out from under the chair and began tapping the floor, looking like something out of a blond mine-detector joke. Tap, tap, tap. Creep forward, tap, tap, tap, all the while muttering, “Moth, moth, moth, ACK! Nope. Moth? Moth. Moth! ACK! Nope. Damn, my head hurts.” Every time I twitched my foot, his fur would stand on end. My foot was very twitchy for a few moments.

Freya Fish Whore gave me a dirty look, then came over and rubbed her bottom on my bare shin. “Here,” she said, giving her tail a little shake, “I saved this part especially for you. Oh, and you gonna wanna check your shoes for a week, maybe more. I might have surprise for you.”

So, I’m still not a cat person…

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