I could feel it slipping away on a daily basis. A little bit here, a little bit more there. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter how often I said it, part of me was shutting off. It was the part of me that wanted to write fiction, my first love in writing. In fact, it was my whole desire to create.
Fighting that recession of creativity was dragging me into an abyss of no escape, and it was binding me with heightened anxiety, fear, anger, and a whole host of other unpleasantries. Tammie described me as being "a bit explosive and easily agitated." She's not wrong, but nothing I did could change it. Oh, I tried. I did my very best to squelch those feelings of fear-fueled rage, but it was exhausting and all it took was a few minutes of low blood sugar and I became a seething, weeping, very loud bitch. Being in public meant shutting down to a level low enough that I could manage to at least get to the car before melting down.
After getting to the point where I could no longer ignore what was happening, I reached out to my doctor. I answered a bunch of questions on their check-in website and set off a bunch of alerts and red flags. She said it was a good thing I was already scheduled for an appointment, or they'd be calling me in posthaste.
We discussed a lot of things from feelings to frustrations and we both agree that the current political climate is a bit on the toxic side and would definitely contribute to anxiety and fear. It was when I told her about my writing and lack of focus and desire to create, she stopped typing and looked at me.
"It sounds like there's more going on here. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD."
"Not officially," I told her and she laughed.
"Of course, not. You're over 60 and you're female."
After more discussion, we decided on a treatment plan, and she prescribed ADHD medication. We both agree that if I can get some of this ridiculous scattered-brain bullshit to settle down, it might have the same effect on my anxiety. So, I'm not on anti-anxiety medication, I'm on ADHD medication, but guess what...It's working for both. I've been on it for less than a week, and Tammie has noticed a huge improvement. So have I, but I've been afraid to say anything in case it was just a case of a visit from the delusion fairy. I had that with some OTC holistic herbal woo-woo pills. Three days of "Hey, I think I've got this," then BAM! The bitch is back and she's super annoyed.
Now, I find myself having feelings again. Oh, I've been having feelings for a long time, but usually I'm feeling ALL THE THINGS, ALL THE TIME without respite. Lemme tell you, that's a lot of work and I was sure it would eventually try to kill me with worry, fear, rage, depression... all the fun stuff. But lately, I've been experiencing good feelings like...joy. Real joy, not that "oh, whee, we're gonna crash and die. At least I won't have to pay taxes anymore" kind of "joy" but rather a pleasant sensation while looking at the sunlight touching the leaves of the Rhodie out front, or the smell of fresh-brewed coffee, or the sound of the red-winged blackbirds calling out to "vote for Peeeeeter."
Plain old joy, with no tinge of fear, worry, frustration, or general overwhelming angst of all the things. Just a soothing calmness. Gods, I like that.
I don't remember the last time I've felt that way, if ever. I realize now that most of my life has been riddled with this bullshit anxiety/ADHD and nothing was ever done. All through school my report cards would read things like, "Karen is easily distracted and has a hard time paying attention" or "Karen needs to spend less time daydreaming and more time on her work in class." Nothing was done, of course, because Karen is a girl and only boys need medication for "hyperactivity," girls just gotta knuckle down and PAY ATTENTION!
When I was an adult, I went the typical anti-depressant medication route, but my brain rejected them in the most interesting ways andafter a few years of trying to find a solution, we (my former healthcare provider and I) gave up. If it didn't try to kill me, it just intensified my craziness, and all of them removed my emotions and killed my creativity. I was living the zombie life, and I wasn't ok with that.
I mentioned all of this to my current doctor, and she said we'd start with this adhd medication and go from there. But you know what? I think we're there. I'm comfortable in my head. I can deal with the little frustrations that would at one point turned me into a raging honey badger with a toothache. It's not perfect, but I'm able to stop myself from saying things that aren't kind or helpful, whereas before the pills, I would just be rude and obnoxious and unable to stop myself. Knowing I can do that and not explode with frustration is kind of nice.
I can slow down the spiral into the dark abyss of dismal thoughts and redirect my emotions to a more positive path.
I know I can have boundaries and use gentle words to let people know when they're crossing them, instead of waiting until later and losing my shit all over the place, or simply over-reacting in a very inappropriate manner.
Planning things has never been a problem, yet the problem came when implementing said plans: I knew I had to get from point A to point D, but I couldn't visualize all the steps needed to get there, at least not without a struggle that could last for weeks. Now, I can see what needs to happen and take appropriate steps. This includes such tasks as taking out the garbage. Sometimes the simplest tasks would stymie me to the point of tears, and it was getting worse with age.
I feel better. I feel like I'm becoming the person I was supposed to be all along. I'm not there yet, but there's a plan, I'm on it and so far, so good.